Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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