On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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