i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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