Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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