Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
