I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
