How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
