So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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