I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
