I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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