Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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