There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I think my moral compass just broke
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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