I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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