i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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