My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
