you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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