I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
well you can't waste a boner
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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