I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
