New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Sex in the backyard? Check.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
