Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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