I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
