i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
