So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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