How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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