I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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