I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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