he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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