Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
