I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Randomize
