Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
