I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
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