I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
