last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
