Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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