everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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