Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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