My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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