my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
