So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
