I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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