if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I cut my penus on the lid.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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