Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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