It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Come see our sink grown plant.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
