I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
