I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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