I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
