whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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