U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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