My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
