i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
