i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My pussy is not your playground.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Randomize
